Skip to main content

PTSD: The Endless War

The picture is me at age 20 as a Marine on the deck of the helicopter carrier USS Okinawa off the coast of Vietnam sometime in October 1967. I don't remember being so young or what was in my mind at the time. I didn't plan for a future because I expected to die before age 21. The night before I left home I got a drag racing ticket about two in the morning. The cop told me I would have to be in court in July. I told him I would be in Vietnam.
"We'll be waiting at your door when you get back," he said.
"If I make it back, I'll be glad to see you."
I had a real world fatalistic attitude. I tore the ticket up before he drove away and never heard anymore about it. Maybe the judge figured I was in enough trouble.

This morning I saw an article about a 25 year old veteran who killed himself after the VA turned him away when he sought help for PTSD. I usually never tell anyone except other veterans that I'm 100% service-connected for PTSD. I have been for years. Based on my service records fromVietnam, the VA agreed that my life had changed forever. I wasn't me anymore. I went to one-on-one therapy for so long that my doctor grew old and retired. Nothing changed. I had the same nightmares, slept in two hour shifts, the same job problems with authority, multiple marriages, and a ferocity without conscience toward strangers who threatened me. Strangers were the enemy; the enemy are objects, not people. The only thing I lacked was the tendency toward alcohol and drugs. I probably would be spending my life in prison for a violent crime because I'm dangerous under the influence. I was lucky enough to realize this and keep iron control at all times.
After reading the article this morning, I sat in the dark before dawn and the jungle nights returned. It doesn't take much, even after 40 years. I guess some could say this is our fate. War changes the warriors. Most people don't understand how severe that change can be. The endless war in our minds is not a disease or a mental illness, as the media machine seeking stories often make people believe. We are not psychos. We experience a long term reaction to events outside the ordinary scope of life. The only way to remove the memories is to remove the brain. The Endless War never goes away.

Comments

  1. chiron6135:32 PM

    My PTSD isn't combat-related, but I do understand the endless war. For the longest time, I *was* treated as though I were mentally ill, when in fact the problem is a learned response to severe trauma.

    What we're doing now with our vets is a crime. You guys did your part, fought our battles, risked your lives, maybe got physically injured - and certainly got hurt psychologically. This country reneged on our part, letting you rot without any adequate It's like saying, Thanks for being our heroes, now go away somewhere and die. Makes me ashamed to be a civilian...

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Vietnam: The Liberty Bridge

(This entry has had a lot of comments, and I'm glad it can help bring Nam vets together or to help find each other. If you have a comment, please attach your name to the comment or from this point forward it won't be published. I've received many comments that are phony and obviously made up, submitted by anonymous submission. I do screen all comments. Click the photo to enlarge. Semper Fi.) This is the Liberty Bridge (click to make larger) in Quang Nam Province in Vietnam during July of 1968. Of the 14,000 Marines killed in Vietnam, 10,000 were killed in Quang Nam Province. (Figures in comment section show a little under 7000 KIA in Quang Nam.) This was late in my tour on July 2. The bridge had been blown once again by the enemy to isolate the Marine base at An Hoa. I was a 50 caliber machine gunner on a convoy to resupply the An Hoa Firebase. I called this the River Styx because it had a ferry boat. Once you crossed the river you entered a nightmare hell on earth cal...
249 comments
Read more

The Jesus Moth

Photo taken through a window screen. I had just gone over the first print copy of The Bad Season on July 22, 2006. I walked over to the window and saw this moth on my outside air conditioner unit. It was the most bizarre thing I had seen in a long time. I retrieved my digital camera and snapped a picture through the glass and the window screen before going outside in a failed to attempt to capture the moth. I contacted a moth expert. He told me what kind of moth it was, but added that he had never seen one with a cross on its back like this one. I call it the Jesus Moth, the Crusader Moth, or maybe the Infidel Moth. The syndicates wanted me to give it to them for free. They said they don't take pics from non-employees because "we would actually have to pay you for it."   Hmm, what a novel concept, getting paid for something. I offered to swap for a syndicated story about my book. They refused. So I copyrighted the entire pic (the one below is a fragment from that p...
28 comments
Read more

The Old Corps: Marine Corps Boot Camp 1966

BLT 1/3 USMC 1967 Vietnam Boot Camp Hell I recently saw a video of what I assume was the current Marine Corps Boot Camp. It mentioned recruits reporting any abuse right away and the DI was trying to be tough (and he did sound tough to an extent), but underneath it all you could tell the old Corps was gone in the civilian desire (political desire by people who never served) to make things easier and less traumatic for the boots. They never mentioned abuse to us in 1966 because we were abused 24/7. I'm an old Corps Hollywood Marine (that's an inside Marine joke about the difference between boot camp in Parris Island or San Diego.) The boots in Parris Island claimed they had it rougher because they had swamps. The Hollywood Marines had mountains. I would rather walk in water than climb mountains so I disagree. I entered the Marine Corps on August 10, 1966. Marines had been in Vietnam for over a year. All of us would probably go to Nam. For some of us it woul...
Post a Comment
Read more