New Terror Alert: PEAF

PEAF Watch Out 

(Update on the world of domestic intelligence. I reported on this last year but the project failed to receive budget funding. This time it should go into effect so watch out.)

New Terror Alert Takes Effect In March 2017 

After Delay In March 2016

Concerned that terrorists may abandon suicide vests, an alert was issued today under the heading PEAF for all United States public transportation. PEAF stands for Plastic Explosive Anus Filler. Most people are unaware that Homeland Security agents investigate possible instances of any terrorist activity involving an explosive packed anus. The new screening procedure was supposed to have taken place March 1, 2016 but was stalled due to funding. It is now part of the new business tax break law that requires the President’s signature.

Such explosives are easily made using potassium chlorate and petroleum jelly. Potassium chlorate can be retrieved from common household matches and mixed with Vaseline to make an explosive paste that can be detonated with almost any type blasting cap. Beginning March 1, commercial airline and other public transportation passengers can expect random rectal explosive checks before boarding flights, trains, or buses. Rectal checkers will be in place at all major airports. Trains and bus terminals will follow with random checks a few weeks later.

There is some question as to how much damage a terrorist can inflict by such explosives since any shrapnel would first have to penetrate the large buttocks muscles. Some experts think only the most hardcore terrorists would be able to walk normal with an anus packed with say roofing nails or broken glass for shrapnel. Such ability would only be possible after months of practice inserting large objects in the anus. 

PEAF checkers say the most likely candidate for such terrorist suicide acts would be athletic females (higher pain tolerance), possibly ex-porno stars, between the ages of 18-45. "We're prepared to check every one of them," a male agent said. "We'll also do random checks on the general public."

Many explosive experts agree the new checks are a total waste of time and money. The terrorist would likely be the only one to die without causing much damage other than making victims smell real bad. The random checks are scheduled to begin at 12:02 AM on March 1, 2017. To date, 17000 men and 200 manly women have applied for 460 screening jobs.*

* Job requires experience with jackhammer or other prying device such as tire tool or chisel. Must be able to work while wearing cool sunglasses. All criminal searches are filmed for later review by supervisors and possible video release for new law enforcement reality show Anus Checkers.

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